I am terrified.
Here's the deal. Up to this very moment in my life, that little "I want to run Boston" seed that was planted years ago was growing somewhat silently, slowly, in the dark. I've watered it fairly consistently, fed it some fertilizer occasionally, have let it spend a few seasons in drought.
It's there, but honestly no one would ever notice if I just quit. Changed my mind. Let it die.
A big part of me has always been completely convinced that I would never see this through. After all, I'm your starter. Your driver. The person with great ideas, visionary dreams, and fizzles out when the reality doesn't manifest fast enough. I happily leave details to other people. I never finished building the kit Victorian dollhouse my dad bought for me when I was ten, even though I could see it in all it's teeny tiny glory with lights and plumbing. If a book doesn't catch my undivided attention in the first two pages, it can sit in book purgatory on a shelf for years before I pick it up and try again with enough conviction to let it try to win me over. I have left countless things unfinished in my life, often looking for the next thing that seems interesting. Obviously, I get bored. I'm happy to report that in my 15 plus years of becoming a professional, I've learned a bit how to follow though and definitely have gotten better at it. But it isn't easy for me.
So I spent a lot of time this weekend contemplating the fact that I HIRED A RUNNING COACH.
What is it about this particular journey that I haven't given up already? Because if you asked my history, it would say I've been there, done that, and I should be done with this by now.
But I'm not, and it's fear.
We talk a lot in my line of work about fear being a motivator. I'm afraid of living and dying and never figuring out what I'm really capable of. The run doesn't take away this fear- it fuels it.
This past weekend, we met my parents in Chattanooga to get my kids back from their first summer vacation trip. My daughter desperately wanted to go Ziplining at Ruby Falls. There was a ropes course and four Ziplines. We recently experienced Ziplining over some tired gators at Gators and friends a few months ago, and working up the courage to climb those towers and let go was exhilarating and nerve-wrecking. We had a great time but I won't even lie and say I wasn't afraid.
As we had a guide explain the ropes course at Ruby Falls to us, I secretly wanted my daughter to change her mind. Because I had never done a ropes course, and Ziplining still kind of scared me, and well, I would have been fine just checking out the underground waterfall.
She was all about it though, and my husband and son were in.... Which if you know my husband.... Wow. The fact that he was willing to go- now there was no way I could back out.
They put us through a short safety course and then we set out with a guide. There were several ropes obstacles, everything from tight-rope walking to moving bridges to swinging poles to skitter across. It was unlike anything I have experienced before and I realized, through that experience, how much growth occurs when we put one foot in front of the other, regardless of fear.
I think they call that courage.
There were SO many times that I have wanted to stop running. There were several times on that ropes course that I wanted to be rescued, to come down, to just say, "Let's be done with this." But I didn't.
The desire to find out just how mentally tough I can be outweighs my desire to feel comfortable and safe, and that is why I run. I found myself on that ropes course, almost meditating as I concentrated on every footstep, aware of my weight and my muscles and my balance, fully present inside my body. This only happens when I run. I realize I will never be "elite". But I am ready to see what my body and mind's version of elite is, and I won't quit until I'm satisfied. Hiring a coach is paramount to reporting your annual sales goals to your manager, to doing ropes courses and trying not to appear afraid because your 13 year old daughter doesn't seem afraid. It's taking the commitment to the next level. It's taking a risk by trusting someone who I don't really know with my dream. It's looking fear in the face and saying, "I'm not going to quit." I can't wait to see where this goes.
